AUDIO VERSION:
Once again took way too long to update but if only you lot knew what all has been going on in my life this summer season but I’m gonna catch you up from where I left off which was post-Madge. So after the Madonna concert me and my mom reconnected quite well but I never stay in Arizona for a long while when it's warm or else I get a little too suicidal due to my heat induced seasonal depression so I made plans to attend LA fashion week and do a photoshoot with my band Caviar Noir (new album Petrossian Gold out now!). So before I knew it the Vuitton luggage was packed for another Delta flight. I made plans to meet up with an old fling during my first night in LA and it was a nice entree back into LA and made me reminisce on the good ol days of being 19 and a virgin to the abuse that comes with residing in LA full time. After our rendezvous I walked around Beverly Hills smoking a cig replaying old memories in my mind but got snapped out of it by a fucking Kia Soul pulling besides me with the window rolled down and some plain ass man trying to pick me up and I simply said “not in a Kia Soul” and kept walking. Look I’m in a band called Caviar Noir, wear designer clothes, and moved to Beverly Hills first thing after high school CLEARLY I’m a tad of a classicist and I own it. Too many of you young hot things settle for less and I don’t and I wear that as a badge of honor. After I sufficiently worked through my melancholic memory cinema while walking Rodeo dr. I got my uber under the Christian Louboutin sign whilst in my Louboutin Nicol is Back’s which are my total signature shoe at this point. If you wanna be me for halloween all you need is the Nicol is Back, La Perla slip, vintage fur coat, tattered Chanel flap, & heirloom jewelry from a dead relative.
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| Le Alois Formula (patent pending) |
The next day I had to get up early for a photoshoot with my alt grunge band Caviar Noir, the other half of the band Lamb picked me up and we made our way to some shitty run down building it downtown LA which is the usual for studio spaces in LA. On the way we hit up Vons for some water and Diet Coke and next door was a cute lingerie store so we picked up some hosiery for the shoot of the album/single covers for the final issue of our debut album aptly titled Petrossian Gold. Before heading into the scary ass building housing the studio space, we met up with our photographer a friend of mine I talked about in blog post 1 who I nicknamed QiQi at the Blue Bottle coffee. Once it came time we headed up to the studio and started shooting and eventually Lamb’s friend Ryan arrived to be our assistant on the shoot. I could tell Lamb was bothered by the photographer and him not counting down before taking pics but I was kinda used to shutter photography with my limited modeling experience so it didn’t bother me all too much. However when things really went left was when at the very end of the photoshoot we decided to do a quick insta story Q&A and took a photo together with the question box sticker. While doing the Q&A Lamb scrolled down on the questions and I saw out of the corner of my eye a really messed up hate comment about him and he didn’t acknowledge it but I could tell it put him in a poor mood as it would anybody and the worst part is I knew who wrote it and they were one of my major stans with whom I had become somewhat close with which made it incredibly awkward.
Post-photoshoot I said my good byes to QiQi and went to the car with Lamb & Ryan since we were going to a fashion show in Hollywood later that day. It was a very quiet car ride considering Lamb was unhappy about the offensive Q&A and photographer situation but after we got to Ryan’s apartment on Hollywood blvd things lightened up a bit with the help of a few alcoholic beverages. After drinking more than we should’ve me and Lamb changed into our fashion show looks and headed to the address. The show itself was forgettable quite honestly, after attending NYFW a few times LAFW pales in comparison. Only shows worth seeing are Gypsy Sport & An Only Child which also show in NYC so why bother seeing them a month later in LA. We still took some photos though and tried to enjoy ourselves but ended up heading out a bit early and went back to Ryan’s got some pizza and watched Uptown Girls which is my and my mom’s favorite Brittany Murphy movie and one of Lamb’s favorites as well. I think me and Lamb relate heavily to Dakota Fanning’s character since she kinda sums up how we were as children. We both matured fast due to the circumstance we were born into so it’s a cathartic film and always brings tears easily.
Next day we woke up hungover in Hollywood but headed to Beverly Hills to get brunch at one of my favorite places on earth: Ladurée. It was sooo lovely, I frequented that specific location so much at 19/20 and it sparked my obsession with Ladurée which I later learned is another similarity with Courtney Love that I have. Manifesting that I get Ladurée with her someday. After taking a few pics Lamb dropped me off and I was still kinda hungry so I walked to Subway and maybe I got too used to NYC but the walk was brutal and clearly so car centric. I hate cities that make pedestrians second class citizens and let cars run the road with little to no sidewalks. After eating my sandwich I checked my DM’s and a guy I had been talking to since last year but never met up with invited me to Vegas and I hadn’t been since my 21st B-day and not to mention he was a major audio software developer so I was game to go cuz why not. He got me a ticket and before I knew it I was meeting up with him at McCarran airport. He was actually staying at the hotel where I had my 21st which in my opinion is the best hotel on the strip with the only other coming close being Bellagio so it was a cute vibe. Later in the evening we got dinner at Hakkasan which was nice but I hate how so many restaurants blast music like… Am I supposed to not be able to hear my date so I like them more?
Waking up the next morning my weed pen was empty so I looked for the nearest weed store and once again navigated through a far too car centric city since the only dispos are off the strip and I didn’t exactly want to tell my new fling where exactly I was going since I’m not proud of my weed dependency (which I kicked while in Europe but that’ll be covered in a later blog post). Once I got to the dispensary it was CASH ONLY so I had to walk alllllll the way to Chase and back again and finally got my fix. After getting my weed I met back up with my date and walked the strip and we stopped by Christian Louboutin and I picked up a pair of black patent Me Dolly Loubs to go with my outfit for the Dita Von Teese show at the Horse Shoe. I’ve had an obsession with Dita ever since finding out about her during my Marilyn Manson obsession at 14 which has long since subsided for the most part but my Dita fascination never left and has only grown fonder. We got dinner at Mon Ami Gabi and afterwards headed to the Horse Shoe which is notable for it’s poker which the guy I was with… Let’s call him Mr.Florida loved to play often. I watched as he played since all I know is blackjack and roulette and he gave me a cute pink chip to keep as a souvenir which stays in my memory box. Once it came time for the show I got a glass of champagne and we headed in to see Dita Von Teese live.
The show in a word was MAGICAL the costumes were exquisite and it took you to a bygone era of glamour contrasted with modern stage technology. Frankly I had never seen anything like it and it inspired me immensely, and throughout the show my eyes met with Dita’s over and over again. I don’t know why whenever I go to a show I always get a few looks from the performer but perhaps they see the star in me that has just been dying to be appreciated or maybe that’s just what I tell myself to sleep at night. First it was Britney then Madonna and now Dita and it almost assures me in a way that the inevitable is on the horizon. Anyways after the injection of glamour that was Dita’s Vegas residency we headed to a dual piano bar and listened to some music before retiring for the evening. I woke up the next morning very hungover but made my way through security and back to LA and went to a different hotel in Beverly Hills since my hotel prior was in an un-walk-able area. That’s what I get for cheaping out I guess…
Once I laid my Louis down I walked the golden triangle then picked up a Mr.Chow to go order I made with my favorite food on the planet. I cannot stress this enough even if you don’t like duck at least try the gamblers duck at Mr.Chow with broccoli and white rice on the side. I made plans later that night to go to Heav3n since Violet was doing a DJ set and my friend Blakely agreed to go but then later in the day said he couldn’t end up making it so I asked Ryan to come along even though he’s just a mutual friend and more Lamb’s friend than mine but quite honestly Heav3n is in downtown LA and if you’re around that area at night as a girl alone in club attire that is a death/rape/robbery waiting to happen so I just needed a tall straight passing man to be beside me. He thankfully said yes and I started getting ready and once I finished my hair and makeup I checked my phone and he sent a message that he couldn’t make it which I found strange considering he seemed very down to go at first so I questioned why and after some prodding found out Lamb told him not to go… To say I felt betrayed was an understatement considering I would’ve asked Lamb but he was working the day of and next so going to the club with him was out of the equation and he knows how downtown LA is for the fem girls & gays when alone. On top of that he knew my situation with my ex best friend Riley dipping out of my life to move to Nashville with her boyfriend and my grandma and great grandma’s passing so I just needed a happy moment at the club to forget for a night but instead he chose to tell our mutual friend not to attend with me. I fell into a pit of self loathing and loneliness and pondered taking my own life that evening which I know sounds silly over missing one club night but it was the straw that broke the Camel that was me in that moment.(also don't hold this against Ryan as he has now apologized for not going and I met Violet in Paris later)
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| saw this on twitter right after my suicidal episode |
After crying myself to sleep over my lonesome life I woke up the next day postmated Ladurée and packed my things and headed to LAX and flew back to Arizona and the icing on top of the shit show cake, Mr.Florida cancelled our plans to meet up again in Palm Beach due to him going back to his ex-girlfriend. Safe to say I drank a lot of prosecco on the plane ride home. Once I got back to my grandparents (dad side) home in AZ I opened the packages my grandpa put on my bed and one of them contained a copy of Hysteria magazine which was strange since I hadn’t ordered it only attended their party on Valentines day and answered a few questions but after opening it up there I was in a magazine multiple times and with a full article too. It raised my spirits immensely after so much turmoil and felt rewarding, it’s one of those things I can show my grandkids someday and be proud of. I didn’t end up holding the thing with Lamb against him since he said hanging out with one of his friends without him there crosses a boundary and that I should respect that which I partially agreed with and after decompressing realized it wasn’t enough to ruin our friendship over y’know. So after getting home we got back to recording and moved on, which I’m pretty good at doing. I am an awful grudge holder I can never sustain them and always play devils advocate which I think comes from my relationship with my mom and how many times I had to forgive her for heinous things to maintain a relationship. I think it’s a good quality to have but it also is a double edged sword in some ways.
As I said previous I never stay in AZ long so after finishing the recording of Petrossian Gold I made plans to visit Mr.Sunglasses and go back to NYC which at this point is my favorite American city and also he always calms my nerves which I more than needed at that point. Who better to talk you off a ledge than a poet? So I’m gonna leave it off here and pickup during that excursion since that is a whole other story…
XOXOXOXOX
Alois Tyler Rollins IV
P.S. this post's attached demo is a country song called "Girls in the Magazine" I recorded that speaks on how most people in magazines that the kids look up to are broke and struggling behind the scenes which isn't really talked about enough in my opinion
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